The Long Arm of Discipline will come down to help you. Don’t think you can escape. But although it may chastise you at times, the Long Arm feels the pain it inflicts upon you. Remember that if I am forced to punish you, it hurts me more than it hurts you. Know that I weep, but only so that you all may become beauteous.
Grammar (leaning over towards rest of huddled section and whispering): Does he mean beautiful?
Revolution: I’ll show him the long arm.
Commandant (looking out at section dubiously): Is this it, Section Leader? The whole Section?
Section Leader: Attrition, Sir. Less resources for recruitment. We have all had to, as it were, tighten the belt. But never fear, Sir. We are, as one might say, doing more with less.
Commandant (coughs). Well yes, that’s all right then. In the future, as you know, my Section Leader, we shall no longer require a military to fight the axis of evil. We shall simply invade our enemies with Benevolence.
Group of Dudes: Party, man. The tacos will be spicy!
Section Leader (sharply): At ease everyone.
Everyone tightens up.
Section Leader: That’s better.
Commandant: Now, Section, as you know, you are training to become a crack group of Anarcho-Capitalist Commandos. If you do exactly as the organization commands, without fail, than it shall be Every Man For Himself. Is that clear?
Grammar: All but the words.
Reginald (raising hand): Oh oh Sir, Sir. I have a question, Sir. If it’s every man for himself, what happens to our benefits package?
Commandant (looking at Section Leader skeptically, then back at the Section): I’ll ask the questions here. If you have questions, I will let you know what they are. Now then, some of you may have questions. Some of you may have things on your mind. Some of you may be, frankly, wondering. You may even be asking yourself if. And these questions, I’m sure, seem to you reasonable. Therefore, let me answer them by saying no. They are not reasonable, and no one will be answering them. I can say this: if you have questions, you are not with the program. The program has answered your questions already. If you have a question, please remember that it has been answered already.
(He goes on). You are a team of Anarcho-Capitalists. You must recognize that there is no difference between doing what you want and doing what we tell you. If you find that you are doing something you want and it is different from what we have told you, then you are not doing what you want. There is no doubt about it: doing what we tell you is what you want. Now, you may be asking yourself, what is Anarcho Capitalism? But don’t ask yourself. Don’t ask me. You aren’t asking questions.
Since you have no questions, I can proceed to review what, as our crack Anarcho-Capitalist Commandos, you will doing. Of course, on some level I don’t have to review this. Anarcho-Capitalism is natural. Therefore, by doing what comes naturally, you are already our crack Anarcho-Capitalist commando machine. You have had to learn nothing; you are simply being yourselves. Therefore, in these remarks, when I am pointing out to you what you already are, you will find nothing surprising, and you will have no questions.
What is Anarcho-Capitalism? Of course, you already know. Some of you, however, may feel uncertain on the details. But let me remind you that you are wrong about that. Again. You have no questions, and you are not uncertain. Nonetheless. I am the Commandant, representing the Long Arm of Discipline, aka the Anarcho-Capitalism you already understand. If it seems like I’m drifting from the subject here, let me assure you that I cannot drift from the subject. That’s because the subject comes naturally to me. I can be only on subject, since there is nothing else I could possibly be on. And I’m going to ride that subject until it hurts you, which, as you know, can only make you feel better.
As we all already know, and couldn’t possibly forget, Anarcho-Capitalism simply tells us what we already know, which is: There is a marketplace for everything. And God looked down on the marketplace and called it good. And lo: everything resulted from the marketplace. People resulted from the marketplace. Water, food, animals. Without the marketplace, there are none of these things. Got it? Nothing. If you want an animal, buy it. If you want food, get hold of some. If you don’t get hold of food, then there is no food. If you can’t buy anything, then there’s nothing to buy. Am I making myself clear? Of course I am. There’s nothing to make clear except what was clear already. And that was already clear.
You are, as you clearly know, for sale. There’s nothing else you are. Therefore, get your ass off the can and start selling. Make hay while the sun shines. The early bird catches the worm. Am I getting to the point here? Of course not. I don’t have to get to the point. The point is the only point there is. I don’t have to get to the point because I’m already at the point. There is nowhere else for me, or anyone, to be.
The goal of the Anarcho-Capitalist commandos: everyone must work together so we can all be in it for ourselves. Do you not see that it is beauteous? Of course you see. Mankind, who is selfish (and womankind too, whoa baby) must work hand in hand so we can rip out each other’s throats. It is only by cooperating fully that each of us can really and truly be out to get each other. The best way to do this? Money. If you’re making it, you’re golden. If not, you’re out of here. And how do you make money? You take it from somebody. This is what it means to work with somebody; you rip them off. If you don’t rip them off, you’re not doing what either of you want. Do I have to ask again whether I’m making myself clear? I do not have to ask, since clear is the only way I could make myself.
The market is not simply the best way, it’s the only way. It helps us decide who should be in charge of what. If you can buy it, it’s yours. If you can’t it’s somebody else’s. If you have nothing, and somebody else has it all, well, figure out how to get some from them. You can work for them, for instance. In fact you have the right to work for them if they will let you, and you have the right to be paid exactly what they feel like paying you. There are other methods however. You may manipulate the system. Fraud, graft, corruption, these are only some of the good things that will result. Remember, if you can cheat someone out of their hard-earned money or property, you’re only doing the right thing. After all, they were already trying to do it to you. We may therefore define cooperation in the following manner: a deadly struggle between two or more individuals for control of the marketplace. Nothing’s better than the feeling of working together with others in the attempt to dominate them utterly.
Now that I have established the principles of the marketplace, which you can see that I have, because there was nothing else you could possibly see and nothing else I could do, you understand also that I have established the principles of you. Because, as you know, you are principles of the marketplace. That’s all you are, and since that’s all, it follows that you are nothing else. If you are all something, then there’s nothing left over for any part of you to be anything other than what all of you is. It would make no sense, to say that you are more than all you are. Eh? But you knew that already. What else is there to know? An individual may therefore be defined as a principle of the marketplace. An individual is an example of the proper functioning of the marketplace, which can, as you know, only function properly. Therefore the individual is an example that illustrates that the marketplace is functioning properly and can only function properly. Therefore the individual is an example that is therefore also a principle. It can be nothing else. Right? Of course it’s right. What else was there for it to be?
But ah, you might say, if I am an example of the proper functioning of the marketplace, and therefore, as an example, I am also a principle, well, what is the principle that I, as an individual, illustrate? What is the principle of me? And this would be a valid question, except that there are no questions. And the reason there are no questions is that all this comes naturally to you. You are the principle of what comes naturally to you, which is the proper functioning of the marketplace. Since that functioning is natural, obviously it comes naturally to you. And look, here it comes now. Incoming!
(Everyone falls to the floor but the Commandant)
Commandant: Ha ha ha. Just my little joke. Don’t be so gullible. My goodness. Obviously, the marketplace can’t be incoming. It’s already here. Where else could it be? Ha ha ha. What are you doing on the floor? Are you, on the floor, illustrating a principle of the marketplace? Of course you are. It will be the duty of many individuals, in their role as examples of the marketplace, which is to say principles of it, to end up on the floor. Many individuals will end up as the principle that many will be on the bottom. In the proper functioning of the marketplace, there is room for a lot of principle at the bottom. The principle is: there’s a lot of room at the bottom. Make room down there, because more of you are coming. But as you see, lying there on the floor, there’s no need to make room at the bottom. There’s always room at the bottom for as many people as end up at the bottom. The principle is that the bottom is big. Furthermore, you don’t need to do anything to get there. The principle is: do nothing, and you will end up at the bottom. It’s comforting. To know that the bottom is there, waiting for you, every time you do nothing. To know that a principle of the marketplace is that you are welcome to be at the bottom. Welcome to the bottom, where everyone is welcome. As you see, the marketplace has a role for everyone. That is one of its principles.
But up now, up.
(The Section gets up slowly.)
Very good. You are a crack section of Anarcho-Capitalists. You will not be at the bottom if you do something. That is, if you do the something that you should do to illustrate the principle of the marketplace that each of you as an individual is. Which you cannot help but do, of course. But what you can help is this. You have it in your power to become the principle of the marketplace you will illustrate, which is to say, be. You have the power to become what you will be. What specific principle of the marketplace are you? That is the question you will answer, because you cannot help but answer it. Because the answer to the question is the principle that you are, and that will come to you naturally as a function of who you are. The principle that you will illustrate is the principle of your own individual talent. Your talent for the marketplace, which is who you as an individual are, is the principle of the marketplace that you will illustrate. Understand? Of course you do, because there’s nothing else to understand. Therefore it is now time to define your individual missions, which are already defined for you because of the kind of talent you are. It is defined for you because it comes naturally. But it is up to you to use this natural talent. You do not have to use it. You are always welcome to end up at the bottom. But if you use your talent properly, then you will end up as the illustration of the principle that your talents illustrate. I must now, as Commandant of this Section, define for you your mission, which is a function of you, which is to say, a principle of the marketplace. Therefore I am not defining it. I am simply stating that which is already defined by the natural fact of who you are. Section Leader, do you have the Personality Profile Surveys?